The Universe in a Mirror

It's funny how my mind wanders so much during exam period. But then again, I guess, that's just my way to cope with the stress of it all. More often than not I get into philosophical debates with my inner self, everything starting from the small revelations that line up in front of me.

Being a science major changed my perspective of life and the stuff around me in ways I didn't think possible. I still remember the day I realized the technicalities of a rainbow and the real meaning of colors. It was depressing but still fascinating, because, really, if you break everything down to elementary particles from one end to the other, there's only a limited number of entities (that we know of) that create us. And it's hard to believe that a very small difference in the microscopic world can have such a huge influence in the macroscopic one. We have the same atoms putting together our bodies but oh, the outcome it's so different for each of us. Yet, zooming out a bit, in between, there are repeating patterns that resemble to a daily human routine. Understanding how the activity of our cells are mirrored at macroscale is simply mind-blowing. Wrapping my mind around such concepts was a wonderful process and made me look at things with other eyes.

"You are the Universe, expressing itself as a human for a little while" said once Eckhart Tolle. Such a beautiful way to encompass the cycle of life as well as our role in it.

 

Ignorance is a bliss

Remember when your mothers used to say "Be careful what you wish for, 'cuz you might get it"? They forgot to add "Read between the line, you little fuckers", otherwise it's all gonna come back to bite you in the ass.

Well, I definitely take my wish back and promise not a be an ungrateful brat ever again, so just make the rain stop. Pretty please? It's horrible. I love rain, but in small quantities and with a rainbow after. I love the mysticism of the dark clouds, the sad quotes of crying in the rain and all the nostalgic feelings that it brings along. I love all that, but a week with nonstop raining has nothing of that! I'm not a person that panics very fast, contrary to popular belief, and usually I'm the type that goes "it cannot happen to me", even after some tragic events that happened in my life, I still keep that naive overview of my future. 'Thing is, bad stuff does happen to people, whether they think of it as a possibility or not, and right now I sort of start to panic. It's still in low doses but the more I read about the floods that happened here in 2002, the more my blood pressure rises and my brain flashes all sort of possible events behind my eyes. Two hours ago I wasn't aware of the seriousness of the matter, I was actually laughing at my friend that has to come from Poland back tonight. Also to my mom, that has heard the news, I told her not to worry. But then I realized I was the one in the dark all along because I don't have a TV and I don't know German so I don't follow the German news... and it all sucks ass.

The sound of rain pouring down the roads is literally the most prominent sound out there and it's supposed to be summer (it's June for Pete's sake), but I'm wearing my winter boots and the seasons seem so fucked up, it's surreal.

I might be going to the river side later on, to check the level of the water, because tonight I have to cross the bridge and go to the train station to pick up my friend.

I cross my fingers and hope the city won't be flooded again like in 2002...

waiting for the tears of the sky

So... I'm back!
.... sorta'....

So, I'm a happy-go-lucky puppy again (at least for the time being) and just because I like to fuck with my mind I decided to reread my posts over here. They simply ooze of depression and similar to an AA member I should stay like thousands of miles away from the staff that would potentially make me fall back into the pits of darkness, I should run and hide at the end of the world. Or so they say. Because me, being me, and I am a notorious masochist, here I am doing exactly what I shouldn't do.

But from time to time I become curious over certain things, one of them being: how in the world do I get statistics feeds when I don't publicly advertize my blog, nor any of my surrounding peers know of its existence. A second reason would be that I like revisiting the memories I put down on "paper" as sad as some of them might be because they were/are part of me. I sometimes imagine myself reading them to my grandkids and telling them that taking trips down the lane aren't as fun as emo impersonators make them out to be. I want to be a cool grandma' and all that shit. Or maybe just and overly spoiling aunt, whatever the future has in store for me.

Today the weather forecast said something about a thunder-storm. I'm still waiting on that but seeing the sun brightly shining its way into dusk I hardly think it possible anymore. Yesterday was a similar story. But I like rain and it always makes me happy to watch it from my windowpane, dreamy expression on my face and all the package. At least then I have the best excuse to listen to wrist-cutting songs and sulk into oblivion bribing my muse in the process. Well, it works most of the times, so why not exploit it?

Oh, but the songs already started and I enjoy every bit of them. If only my muse would be so easily tricked, I could actually write my first story in a looooong while. Too bad it won't happen today. Well, I'm off to read some more fanfiction and whatnot (I know I should be studying, but psst!! don't tell anyone, ok?) 

Walking on Letters: Autumn Giveaway

Minunatul blog "Walking on Letters" pe care l-am descoperit doar recent (oare de ce asa tarziu?) organizeaza un concurs menit sa celebreze sosirea toamnei.

Premiile acestuia sunt urmatoarele:

 Despre cum se poate intra in posesia lor aflati mai multe aici sau facand click pe bannerul de pe coloana dreapta. Good luck!

.ring the bells and break my heart

I find it difficult to write, even though I wish to do so every day. But somehow that’s ok because I’ve been smiling more and more these days; never guilt-free or entirely genuine but simply smiling. I have reasons to be happy, and I have reasons to enjoy myself. I’ve told my family that I’m in the right place right now, that I’m taking part in actively living again and they are glad. I’m happy to relive them of the worry for me, and I’m also happy because I’m able to be honest with them about my wellbeing. I can take a breath of fresh air now.

Dresden is a lovely city and its colors in the fall wrap around my heart and soul in a warm way – I’ve missed that, the fallen leaves, the yellow trees, the velvet blanket on the pathways… Even the icy-fresh air that foretells about the winter that has yet to come, it makes me dream and gives me unearthly emotions, my body covered in goosebumps. Across the street I have a church, or at least what’s left of it in the aftermath of the war. Every time it rings its bells, my mind can only think of one thing: WHY.

My window is open right now, the silent reverberation of the bells penetrate through it and intertwine with the sound of the tires collapsing with the pavement… the sound is so sad! and lonely…

I felt happy today, I came smiling all the way back from school while my mind created a joyful story to be written. I had a huge grin on my face and I’m sure people found me strange, wrapped in my own world… “Pen meet paper” I was going to say as soon as I entered the privacy of my apartment, but in the end I could not do it as I feel still unable to fully catch onto the feeling of unrestricted joy of life.

I’m trying, I’m in the process of healing…

 

 

you will always be in my heart, dear cousin, I’m sorry I didn’t show it to you more often…

Green light for the next chapter

Uf... I've come so far since last time I wrote here... More than a year has past.

I didn't give up on writing (or on writing a journal at least), I just preferred the comfort of paper and mother-tongue to deal with my demons, my ups, my downs (and, god, I had so many of each of those), but there are things not even a pen can mend. 

It was my dad's idea to start a journal, a real one, in which I had to write daily, no matter what. It really helped actually. I wish he had suggested it sooner, but I guess he wouldn't have known sooner that I needed that. This past year was a struggling one for me and I really feared my sanity in the process (I still secretly do). Writing was the anchor that kept me grounded even if not always so. The blank paper knew of my tears, knew of my dreams and all the darkness that surrounded me. I've been to hell and back emotionally and there was no one I could turn to for the non-judgemental understanding I dearly longed for; not even those that I call friends, much less my family. When my thoughts got clearer I tried speaking out loud of what I had been going through but the reaction made me hide even more. Today I learned to give only parts and pieces of my mind, fancily disguised half truths yet I'm still yearning for the day I'll find a confident in front of whom I can freely let my lips dance on the symphony of depression and realms my mind and soul have visited.

Reading the posts I have on this blog I can clearly identify the seed... All those little telling things, the wording I had even then, the way my emotions oscillated to the extremes... I don't know exactly when it started though... I only know that along the way it only got worse and that there have been many stages of it. Depression is something that will plague me for the rest of my life unless I find a way to fight it, but I am fully aware of it and I guess that, even if I don't know how to actually define it, it is a step in taking control over it.

I want to start this fight by fully and genuinely enjoying the fact that I've started a new chapter of my life. France was my prologue, now it's time for Germany to write a story of my destiny. I don't know what really awaits for me in the future... things can happen so fast, and death is an unpredictable bastard, but I don't want to give up!

I really had in mind to make a happy post, to rejoice for the opportunity of moving on I've given myself, but I guess I still feel guilty whenever I do so...

In the memory of my sweet baby cousin

Today My Life Begins

Ah, I’m a jumping puppy today.

It’s been so long since I blogged, since I wrote anything on my comp actually, but today is a special day and so many things happened that I really need to vent a lil’ bit. If I’ll sound a bit incoherent it’ll be only because my thoughts run miles per hour and I can’t pin them down quickly enough to make them make sense.

I GOT THE PAPERWORK DONE!!!

I sometimes wonder if I deserve anything that I receive, but god knows I’m not complaining at all! I started the paperwork for next year’s stage more than 3 weeks ago and ever since it’s been an agonizing wait for completion because of several reasons, one of them being myself and my slow pacing rhythm of work. I’m horrible when it comes to long deadlines because I tend to let things for the last moment and that, my dears, is no good thing! I tell ya’! I got ‘punished’ on several occasions because of that, but the rate of succeeding exceeded the rate of fails so I never learned my lesson. I thank whoever divinity out there for my brilliant skills of ‘getting it’ pretty fast because that helped me in many situations along the way.

So, getting back on track, there’s still a lot to go, but the main points are checked and I’m so happy that no bad feeling from the past can hold me down anymore. I’m saying that because, while today was a good day from beginning till now, the last few ones had mixed feelings and the general mood wasn’t the best one. That somewhat casted shadows over today’s events but I didn’t want to ruin my mood so I acted like nothing was wrong and I just forgot everything that could lower the excitement. Speaking about it tones me down a bit so I’m gonna let the storytelling of those events for some other time in order to avoid turning grim. I have a lot I want to write about, ups and downs of the period I didn’t blog, because, god, so many things happened.

I feel changing slowly, growing, becoming the future me. I know I’ll keep evaluating and it somewhat scares me, because not all the changes are in a good direction, but, at the same time I’m curious as to where I’ll go from here. 

I’ll cheer up and fighting to me! Keep the faith, as Jaejoong says.

Reya out

Warm coffee & ghost kisses

I woke up this morning with an unearthly feeling and traces of kisses on my neck I never received. I didn’t have one of those ‘wet dreams’ or anything, because I know how those feel… this was different, entrancing, sensual, exciting and… innocent. I’d love to be kissed that way again.

The face that my dream had for those lips, wasn’t the same my memory holds, but god, the combination was perfect. Hours after I woke up I can still sense the ghostly breaths on my skin… I wish it wasn’t just a dream…

I crave some coffee, I miss my mom’s coffee

Hanging by a moment

I'm tired as hell but my soul feels refreshed. I saw dark circles around my eyes in the morning and I laughed like I was told a good joke. I might be a little crazy too, who am I to deny it?

It's freaking freezing in this shitty room and I also got sick in the meanwhile, but the important things go so well I barely have the heart to care for others anymore. It's a wonder what a good mood can do to one. I'm not minding, don't get wrong, it's just that I'm not used to positive thinking. I was always under the emo kid's spell when writing and I don't remember ever putting on paper/online the good stuff, also good things never last for me, but lets not jinx about it right now.

News flash: I received a new blanket!!! Yey, I'm not gonna wake up an ice cube anymore!

I've come to love this quota:

"How comforting your paranoia: 

someone's listening, someone's watching, 

someone's thinking about you all the time"

Emo-kid finally took a break

I feel relieved... these past days (weeks) I was totally out of it and ready to give up everything I achieved till now. Thank god I'm past that now; I moved on.

The thing is, I wasn't alone; I had people supporting me, encouraging me, being there. I don't think I'll ever be able to show them how much I appreciate their presence in my life. I feel somewhat blessed and lucky; it's been a while since last time I ever felt this way.

Gah, I feel like jumping around like a bunny, hugging and kissing random people, and I restrain myself only because I'm tired of being the weird one around. I really hope this happiness will last long...

I need to get back to my studies...  

Until tomorrow... buh bye!

Asu wa kuru kara!!!

First breath after a coma~

I like taking walks in a different world every once in a while; a world of fantasies and impossible-things-turned-possible. I enjoy being there and pretend reality doesn't exist for mere moments - it recharges my batteries and helps me get through the day easier. I write about that wonderful place and I mold it as I wish, creating lives and juggling with them, being the God I could never be in real life. When I write, I morph into the lead character of everyone's destinies, I become the outstanding person I yearn to be.

But it comes rare these days, writing I mean, and I feel like I've outgrown a bit from the dreamland too. It doesn't fit me like it used to anymore - I don't want to lose the only place where I am truly free... I'm afraid to lose it.

I should have studied more today. Instead I swayed around my thoughts and enjoyed the calming sound of the rain. I don't have curtains at my windows and they are quite big... I could watch the heavy clouds gathering up above the mountains' peak. I once had a dream about a large room with empty window sills, no glass, and cloudy skies. It gave me a feeling of belonging, of home...

I still search for that place - the highest floor in the building, spacious ceiling, white walls and opened windows.

I think I miss home...

Hey, me! Bye, me!

I might be not what people want to see, but I want 

to believe I stopped trying to level up to their expectations. 

I wrote this like several hours before actually being completely convinced I wanted to update something today. Well, that was a good choice of words I had there indeed, because, you see, looking at myself through day, analyzing why I do the things that I do, the way that I do them, I understood how much approval of of others means to me. I can pretend all I want that I don't give a fuck about a thing but it won't change the fact that I'm just pretending. I love being the center of attention, just not ask for it; I want things to arrange themselves naturally in my favor. I'm shallow like that, I've realized it myself, thank you very much!

The idea is that I don't really know how to live for myself anymore (maybe I never knew to begin with). Today I remembered a happy moment that happened a week ago, when walking along the beach under the pale white moon (I love being mushy in my writing, so deal with it). One of my new acquaintance (I have yet to call them friends because we met only two months ago) is 30 and she acted like a totally kid, jumping around and singing out loud... I really envied her at that moment, the way she could detach herself of her age, her inhibitions and act like that. I tried acting like her, dancing with her, but it felt so unnatural for my body, my eyes always seeking around for any strangers that might be watching, a reason to stop... I've always said I was a kid at heart - I don't really feel like one anymore.

I don't feel like anything anymore... I'm like an empty shell, a side observer and it's creeping me out. I don't know how to deal with this, don't even know if I'm supposed to deal with it. I wish I had all the answers I seek, but neah, not such luck for me.

I'm not a lucky person, and seeing how today I broke a tooth simply eating shows just at what extent that goes for me. 

I don't want to write anymore, this isn't helping me... and no one's gonna read it anyway - sometimes I wonder why do I even bother? (I'm just not worth the attention I need)

Fresh start

So I'm starting again this whole idea of blogging and I don't even know why... I suppose I have to do something to keep me busy from going crazy. I fail at life, I know