Uf... I've come so far since last time I wrote here... More than a year has past.
I didn't give up on writing (or on writing a journal at least), I just preferred the comfort of paper and mother-tongue to deal with my demons, my ups, my downs (and, god, I had so many of each of those), but there are things not even a pen can mend.
It was my dad's idea to start a journal, a real one, in which I had to write daily, no matter what. It really helped actually. I wish he had suggested it sooner, but I guess he wouldn't have known sooner that I needed that. This past year was a struggling one for me and I really feared my sanity in the process (I still secretly do). Writing was the anchor that kept me grounded even if not always so. The blank paper knew of my tears, knew of my dreams and all the darkness that surrounded me. I've been to hell and back emotionally and there was no one I could turn to for the non-judgemental understanding I dearly longed for; not even those that I call friends, much less my family. When my thoughts got clearer I tried speaking out loud of what I had been going through but the reaction made me hide even more. Today I learned to give only parts and pieces of my mind, fancily disguised half truths yet I'm still yearning for the day I'll find a confident in front of whom I can freely let my lips dance on the symphony of depression and realms my mind and soul have visited.
Reading the posts I have on this blog I can clearly identify the seed... All those little telling things, the wording I had even then, the way my emotions oscillated to the extremes... I don't know exactly when it started though... I only know that along the way it only got worse and that there have been many stages of it. Depression is something that will plague me for the rest of my life unless I find a way to fight it, but I am fully aware of it and I guess that, even if I don't know how to actually define it, it is a step in taking control over it.
I want to start this fight by fully and genuinely enjoying the fact that I've started a new chapter of my life. France was my prologue, now it's time for Germany to write a story of my destiny. I don't know what really awaits for me in the future... things can happen so fast, and death is an unpredictable bastard, but I don't want to give up!
I really had in mind to make a happy post, to rejoice for the opportunity of moving on I've given myself, but I guess I still feel guilty whenever I do so...
In the memory of my sweet baby cousin
No comments:
Post a Comment