I find it difficult to write, even though I wish to do so every day. But somehow that’s ok because I’ve been smiling more and more these days; never guilt-free or entirely genuine but simply smiling. I have reasons to be happy, and I have reasons to enjoy myself. I’ve told my family that I’m in the right place right now, that I’m taking part in actively living again and they are glad. I’m happy to relive them of the worry for me, and I’m also happy because I’m able to be honest with them about my wellbeing. I can take a breath of fresh air now.
Dresden is a lovely city and its colors in the fall wrap around my heart and soul in a warm way – I’ve missed that, the fallen leaves, the yellow trees, the velvet blanket on the pathways… Even the icy-fresh air that foretells about the winter that has yet to come, it makes me dream and gives me unearthly emotions, my body covered in goosebumps. Across the street I have a church, or at least what’s left of it in the aftermath of the war. Every time it rings its bells, my mind can only think of one thing: WHY.
My window is open right now, the silent reverberation of the bells penetrate through it and intertwine with the sound of the tires collapsing with the pavement… the sound is so sad! and lonely…
I felt happy today, I came smiling all the way back from school while my mind created a joyful story to be written. I had a huge grin on my face and I’m sure people found me strange, wrapped in my own world… “Pen meet paper” I was going to say as soon as I entered the privacy of my apartment, but in the end I could not do it as I feel still unable to fully catch onto the feeling of unrestricted joy of life.
I’m trying, I’m in the process of healing…
you will always be in my heart, dear cousin, I’m sorry I didn’t show it to you more often…
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