Hanging by a moment

I'm tired as hell but my soul feels refreshed. I saw dark circles around my eyes in the morning and I laughed like I was told a good joke. I might be a little crazy too, who am I to deny it?

It's freaking freezing in this shitty room and I also got sick in the meanwhile, but the important things go so well I barely have the heart to care for others anymore. It's a wonder what a good mood can do to one. I'm not minding, don't get wrong, it's just that I'm not used to positive thinking. I was always under the emo kid's spell when writing and I don't remember ever putting on paper/online the good stuff, also good things never last for me, but lets not jinx about it right now.

News flash: I received a new blanket!!! Yey, I'm not gonna wake up an ice cube anymore!

I've come to love this quota:

"How comforting your paranoia: 

someone's listening, someone's watching, 

someone's thinking about you all the time"

Emo-kid finally took a break

I feel relieved... these past days (weeks) I was totally out of it and ready to give up everything I achieved till now. Thank god I'm past that now; I moved on.

The thing is, I wasn't alone; I had people supporting me, encouraging me, being there. I don't think I'll ever be able to show them how much I appreciate their presence in my life. I feel somewhat blessed and lucky; it's been a while since last time I ever felt this way.

Gah, I feel like jumping around like a bunny, hugging and kissing random people, and I restrain myself only because I'm tired of being the weird one around. I really hope this happiness will last long...

I need to get back to my studies...  

Until tomorrow... buh bye!

Asu wa kuru kara!!!

First breath after a coma~

I like taking walks in a different world every once in a while; a world of fantasies and impossible-things-turned-possible. I enjoy being there and pretend reality doesn't exist for mere moments - it recharges my batteries and helps me get through the day easier. I write about that wonderful place and I mold it as I wish, creating lives and juggling with them, being the God I could never be in real life. When I write, I morph into the lead character of everyone's destinies, I become the outstanding person I yearn to be.

But it comes rare these days, writing I mean, and I feel like I've outgrown a bit from the dreamland too. It doesn't fit me like it used to anymore - I don't want to lose the only place where I am truly free... I'm afraid to lose it.

I should have studied more today. Instead I swayed around my thoughts and enjoyed the calming sound of the rain. I don't have curtains at my windows and they are quite big... I could watch the heavy clouds gathering up above the mountains' peak. I once had a dream about a large room with empty window sills, no glass, and cloudy skies. It gave me a feeling of belonging, of home...

I still search for that place - the highest floor in the building, spacious ceiling, white walls and opened windows.

I think I miss home...

Hey, me! Bye, me!

I might be not what people want to see, but I want 

to believe I stopped trying to level up to their expectations. 

I wrote this like several hours before actually being completely convinced I wanted to update something today. Well, that was a good choice of words I had there indeed, because, you see, looking at myself through day, analyzing why I do the things that I do, the way that I do them, I understood how much approval of of others means to me. I can pretend all I want that I don't give a fuck about a thing but it won't change the fact that I'm just pretending. I love being the center of attention, just not ask for it; I want things to arrange themselves naturally in my favor. I'm shallow like that, I've realized it myself, thank you very much!

The idea is that I don't really know how to live for myself anymore (maybe I never knew to begin with). Today I remembered a happy moment that happened a week ago, when walking along the beach under the pale white moon (I love being mushy in my writing, so deal with it). One of my new acquaintance (I have yet to call them friends because we met only two months ago) is 30 and she acted like a totally kid, jumping around and singing out loud... I really envied her at that moment, the way she could detach herself of her age, her inhibitions and act like that. I tried acting like her, dancing with her, but it felt so unnatural for my body, my eyes always seeking around for any strangers that might be watching, a reason to stop... I've always said I was a kid at heart - I don't really feel like one anymore.

I don't feel like anything anymore... I'm like an empty shell, a side observer and it's creeping me out. I don't know how to deal with this, don't even know if I'm supposed to deal with it. I wish I had all the answers I seek, but neah, not such luck for me.

I'm not a lucky person, and seeing how today I broke a tooth simply eating shows just at what extent that goes for me. 

I don't want to write anymore, this isn't helping me... and no one's gonna read it anyway - sometimes I wonder why do I even bother? (I'm just not worth the attention I need)

Fresh start

So I'm starting again this whole idea of blogging and I don't even know why... I suppose I have to do something to keep me busy from going crazy. I fail at life, I know