Walking on Letters: Autumn Giveaway

Minunatul blog "Walking on Letters" pe care l-am descoperit doar recent (oare de ce asa tarziu?) organizeaza un concurs menit sa celebreze sosirea toamnei.

Premiile acestuia sunt urmatoarele:

 Despre cum se poate intra in posesia lor aflati mai multe aici sau facand click pe bannerul de pe coloana dreapta. Good luck!

.ring the bells and break my heart

I find it difficult to write, even though I wish to do so every day. But somehow that’s ok because I’ve been smiling more and more these days; never guilt-free or entirely genuine but simply smiling. I have reasons to be happy, and I have reasons to enjoy myself. I’ve told my family that I’m in the right place right now, that I’m taking part in actively living again and they are glad. I’m happy to relive them of the worry for me, and I’m also happy because I’m able to be honest with them about my wellbeing. I can take a breath of fresh air now.

Dresden is a lovely city and its colors in the fall wrap around my heart and soul in a warm way – I’ve missed that, the fallen leaves, the yellow trees, the velvet blanket on the pathways… Even the icy-fresh air that foretells about the winter that has yet to come, it makes me dream and gives me unearthly emotions, my body covered in goosebumps. Across the street I have a church, or at least what’s left of it in the aftermath of the war. Every time it rings its bells, my mind can only think of one thing: WHY.

My window is open right now, the silent reverberation of the bells penetrate through it and intertwine with the sound of the tires collapsing with the pavement… the sound is so sad! and lonely…

I felt happy today, I came smiling all the way back from school while my mind created a joyful story to be written. I had a huge grin on my face and I’m sure people found me strange, wrapped in my own world… “Pen meet paper” I was going to say as soon as I entered the privacy of my apartment, but in the end I could not do it as I feel still unable to fully catch onto the feeling of unrestricted joy of life.

I’m trying, I’m in the process of healing…

 

 

you will always be in my heart, dear cousin, I’m sorry I didn’t show it to you more often…

Green light for the next chapter

Uf... I've come so far since last time I wrote here... More than a year has past.

I didn't give up on writing (or on writing a journal at least), I just preferred the comfort of paper and mother-tongue to deal with my demons, my ups, my downs (and, god, I had so many of each of those), but there are things not even a pen can mend. 

It was my dad's idea to start a journal, a real one, in which I had to write daily, no matter what. It really helped actually. I wish he had suggested it sooner, but I guess he wouldn't have known sooner that I needed that. This past year was a struggling one for me and I really feared my sanity in the process (I still secretly do). Writing was the anchor that kept me grounded even if not always so. The blank paper knew of my tears, knew of my dreams and all the darkness that surrounded me. I've been to hell and back emotionally and there was no one I could turn to for the non-judgemental understanding I dearly longed for; not even those that I call friends, much less my family. When my thoughts got clearer I tried speaking out loud of what I had been going through but the reaction made me hide even more. Today I learned to give only parts and pieces of my mind, fancily disguised half truths yet I'm still yearning for the day I'll find a confident in front of whom I can freely let my lips dance on the symphony of depression and realms my mind and soul have visited.

Reading the posts I have on this blog I can clearly identify the seed... All those little telling things, the wording I had even then, the way my emotions oscillated to the extremes... I don't know exactly when it started though... I only know that along the way it only got worse and that there have been many stages of it. Depression is something that will plague me for the rest of my life unless I find a way to fight it, but I am fully aware of it and I guess that, even if I don't know how to actually define it, it is a step in taking control over it.

I want to start this fight by fully and genuinely enjoying the fact that I've started a new chapter of my life. France was my prologue, now it's time for Germany to write a story of my destiny. I don't know what really awaits for me in the future... things can happen so fast, and death is an unpredictable bastard, but I don't want to give up!

I really had in mind to make a happy post, to rejoice for the opportunity of moving on I've given myself, but I guess I still feel guilty whenever I do so...

In the memory of my sweet baby cousin